A robber's tale
A satirical short story by a German fellow blogger about the Ukrainian president that I don't want to deprive you of.
By Don Quijote, October 28 – (translated from German by DeepThought)
How did Volodymyr Zelenskyj make a political U-turn after his election, as Roger Waters noted? According to my sources, which I am not allowed to disclose any more than other intelligence agencies, the following happened. The story is abbreviated and limited to the essentials.
A week after the swearing-in of the Ukrainian president, at 5:55 in the morning, a lovingly restored, white-painted GAZ M-21 Volga built in 1958 stopped in downtown Kiev at the finest address of Mykhaila Hushrevskoho Street.
Three gentlemen dressed in gray got out of the car, adjusted their clothes, looked at their watches and nodded to each other. Each of them carried a black briefcase. They walked straight toward the main entrance of St. Mary’s Palace, the residence of the Ukrainian president.
With the help of their fake IDs, a plausibly presented robber’s tale and other tricks, they penetrated to the president’s chamber and knocked on the door. Selensky opened the door in his robe.
“Dobro utro,” said one of the three. That’s not Russian, but deception is part of the repertoire of agents. “We would like to talk to you about God. Do you have ten minutes for us?” He held a copy of Vladimirskaya1 in his right hand.
The president understood immediately. “Come in,” he said, “and take a seat. I will dress quickly.”
When Zelenskyj entered the living room, three briefcases stood side by side on the coffee table. One of the gray-clad gentlemen sat in an armchair, the other two stood to his left and right. Zelenskyj settled down on the couch. “Go ahead,” he said.
“Mr. Zelenskyj, we were very pleased that you traveled to the presidency with the peace ticket. This confirms the widespread view that Ukrainians and Russians are brother nations, elections or not. Recognition of Crimea as Russian territory, partial autonomy of the Donbass republics, neutrality of Ukraine - this is all very laudable. We were delighted, as I said. But,” and here he paused, as if to sort out his thoughts, or to charge his following words with meaning through the emerging tension, “all this will be of no use. The West will not desist from its attempts to draw Ukraine into its sphere of influence in order to de facto colonize it. And why?”
Zelenskyj let out a short laugh. “It’s in the logic of capitalism, that much I remember from Soviet propaganda!” he said. “Be brief,” he said sternly, “the day has just begun and I have a lot of appointments.”
“Not only, but I see we understand each other. Just as capitalism had replaced mercantilism and the bourgeoisie had appropriated the mechanisms of exploitation of the feudal lords, so the colonialism of the British lives on in the former British colonies of North America - the only lands colonized by commoners where the original population was almost completely decimated and therefore has not been decolonized to this day - while the feudal colonial empires of Europe perished. The USA developed into the last colonial power in the old, Western European tradition. And now the EU is a colony of the USA, as Leon Trotsky stated already in 1933.”
“Yes, I am aware of all that. To the point. You wanted to talk to me about God? And what are these suitcases for?” asked Zelenskyj.
“As you know, everything goes back to the schism between Western and Eastern Rome. From Byzantium to Kievan Rus to the present day - Orthodoxy is still alive in our brother countries and, of course, has ancient Roman roots. So much - if only indirectly - to God. We are persistent in the task of descending to our cultural roots to nurture them just as we nurture the branches, leaves and fruits of our society. Some things need to be pruned back. We will take over some things from the ancient wealth of experience of China and India, but we will leave Rome behind and leave only what is most sustainable. This means, among other things, a fundamental transformation of our legal system.”
Zelenskyj glanced at the clock. “We can talk for hours about law, religion, history, philosophy, and geopolitics, but I have little time left. What is it about?”
“Mr. Zelenskyj, you are a decent actor. We have watched all your performances and would like to express our sincere admiration for your talent by creating this assignment. Hence the suitcases.”
He paused and wrote notes in a small book pulled from the inside pocket of his jacket.
“We have an offer for you, but you can decline it.”
“And that would be?”
“Well, you see, war is inevitable from the point of view of our Anglo-Saxon colleagues, our analysts are sure of that. Your peace policy program would only delay it, not prevent it. It is vital that we be able to determine the pace and scale of the war, you see. Together.”
Volodimir Zelensky nodded silently.
“In these three suitcases are the most important means of power of the West: money, drugs, weapons. Choose two. The one on the left contains 5 million dollars and access data to various accounts we have set up for you. In the middle one 10 kilograms of cocaine and some stoner stuff. The right one contains two SIG Sauer P210s from the U.S. along with plenty of ammunition. You have three options: Money and guns, guns and drugs, drugs and money. It was important to us to give you three choices. Because only one choice means crisis, two choices means a dilemma, and only with three choices does freedom begin. Your choice determines the further course of events and our actions. Of course, these three suitcases are only symbols, although they are materially equipped.”
“If they are only symbols - what is their interpretation?” asked Zelenskyj.
“Well. The money is to be understood as a down payment and as the sausage you throw at the bacon side, as a German saying goes, isn’t it. With those few millions, you can make billions off one side or the other. Money compromises, whether it is tied up in contracts or used informally for bribery. Drugs also compromise, especially if they are illegal, as is the case here. They have a destructive effect. Therefore, if your selection includes drugs, you should think carefully about who or what is to be destroyed. The weapons are for your defense - like all weapons, aren’t they, just for defense.”
The agent stood up and put the copy of Vladimirskaya on the table.
“You will definitely need this icon, no matter what you decide. It is only a copy, but it was blessed by the patriarch.”
He sat back down.
“Mr. Zelenskyj, you are in great danger, you are on the death list of the Right Sector. The SIG Sauers offer little protection, but we assure you of our help. Choose the money, you do not need drugs. You can start investing immediately after the end of hostilities in Donbass and you will receive further generous help from Russia. But the West will not let up, as said. Choose to the guns the drugs, you do not need money, because the value of cocaine exceeds the 5 million also in destructive potential. Your criminal career would get another lucrative facet. However, if you choose money and drugs, you don’t need a gun. Because with it you can credibly underpin your departure from your peace policy in the Right Sector and bind the most important protagonists to you. Of course, you can fork out some for yourself, but don’t take too much. That stands out, especially in public speeches. We’ve noticed that, too.”
After a brief pause, he added, “No matter what you decide - the scripts are already written, for all four variants. But you can also reject the offer outright, as I said.”
Selensky stood up. “Gentlemen, the conversation is over, I have no more time. Take your robber pistols with you, leave the rest. We have enough weapons in Ukraine, as you know. After all, we have a common history.”
“A good choice, Mr. Zelenskyj,” the agent said. “Turn the spiral of escalation slowly but steadily until Russia is forced to intervene. After that, everything will develop as planned. The West will impose sanctions against Russia and thus shoot itself in the knee, Europe will be bled dry in terms of weapons and in the end will have to drop its pants completely - especially Germany will hibernate with bare ass and cold butt, as they say there. All this will cost many lives, but it is still the gentlest way to bring down the hegemon.”
“I know,” said Zelenskyj, “that great tragedies can be endured only with comedy and humor. I thank you very much for Vladimirskaya. Now it has arrived back in Kiev, if only as an excellent copy. I await further news and instructions from you. Good day.”
The white Volga started moving again and set course for Moscow. “Mission accomplished, action successful” reported the 1st officer to headquarters.
*
There is a new version of this story (which I am currently translating), in which the white Volga appears again in front of Zelenskyj’s house, but this time other agents knock on his door. This time it will be even more fun, so stay tuned!
Vladimir Mother of God icon (Russian national treasure)